Islam Denies Patriarchy
Blog Post 70
September 3, 2024
To help men understand patriarchy is next to impossible.*&** The first thing they say is: “Women bother/abuse/harm/oppress/kill/etc. men also.” That’s a very gas-lit comment. It shows the insidiousness of patriarchy and misogyny, which go hand in hand.*** Even women fall victim to that first thing men say, repeating: “Women are mean to men. Women make men’s lives difficult. I know lots of women who hate men. Women oppress men.…”* It’s like the chicken and the egg.
The other day a man I’m close to told me that everyone who nurtures a child – their parents, grandparents, siblings,
etc. - must have an Islamic impact on the child in order for that child to be a positive, caring, devout and upright Muslim individual. That certainly makes sense. But it’s really just a cop-out for those of us who didn’t grow up in a Muslim family, Muslim lifestyle, Muslim country. What are we to do then? Just accept the fact that we’re not perfect and give up trying?
In the beginning of my formal journey on the path of Islam, I remember saying to a man I was close to things like, “Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) didn’t do that/act like that/say things like that/etc.” Or Imam Ali (a.s.) or Imam Husayn (a.s.)… And the answer would always be: “I’m not a Prophet/Imam. I’m not perfect.”
So basically, my expectations were null and void. Yet, my expectations were common sense, the way it’s supposed to be, the goal to reach for, what all the jihad al-akbar is about. To settle for the least common denominator is illogical, though easier. To compare one’s self to the “bad” people may make one feel better in the short-term, but it’s a bar anyone can use to wallow in to keep not reaching higher, not being honourable, not being righteous. I maintain that we all know, from a young child, what’s right and wrong, what’s hurtful and what’s nice, what’s compassionate and what’s heartless or even indifferent, what’s just and what’s unjust. We choose to do what we want and pretend that’s the best we can do, the best we can be. Stubborn ego.
But back to patriarchy…
Once a woman I’m close to asked a scholar, “Where are the sayings and speeches of Lady Fatimah (a.s.) and Lady Zainab (a.s.)?” He looked at her as if he didn’t understand the question. Often typical. They were not in English or were hidden within some books that were inaccessible to most of us. His answer was basically that they were available, although they may require someone to do research to locate them. The truth is that women throughout history have not been written about in the way men have, have not been celebrated and biographicized the way men have, have not been documented, and thus have been shoved to the margins of the pages of history. Even those who try to uncover their genealogies find roadblocks and dead ends, and especially when their womenfolk take on their husbands’ last names, disabling us to find their ancestorial lines. If that’s not clearly patriarchy, then, sure women hurt men.
What’s facing Muslim women, especially Muslim converts (although it's prevalent among Muslims anywhere), and their families is the inability to undo the patriarchal system once we’ve accepted Islam as our way of life. (And I maintain that Muslims born into a Muslim family must also make a conscious acceptance of Islam as their way of life, rather than just simply following the religion of their "forefathers/mothers.") Even those of us who know our rights and how Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala has cherished us and how Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) and his family (a.s.) have lived with and treated women and explained the position of women in society so long ago find it so very difficult to convince our menfolk of this simply because they “can’t” or “don’t” want to listen or don't want to listen to women. Like we’re telling them lies to suit ourselves, to boss over them, to make them work harder, to dominate them… Isn’t this perhaps the most pressing problem we face? Afterall, aren’t women half of the population? Aren’t the relationships between women and men important enough to discuss and fix? Aren’t the relationships between men and women the backbone of society? They’re not going anywhere any time soon.
Let’s look at some of these ideas we try to get across, inshallah.
1.Marriage
Marriage is the centre of the relationship between a man and a woman who come from different families and join together as husband and wife. Thus, the values we’re talking about are enacted within the marriage. It starts with the woman choosing the man she wants to marry. The man has little say in this. If a woman doesn’t want to marry a man, she won’t. The family, father, grandfather, etc. have little to do with it as well. Of course, the woman’s father should agree with her choice if she’s a virgin because lots of things can go wrong if she hooks up with the first man who makes eyes for her. This is a precaution. Since the ideal family would have a cordial and heartwarming relationship between the woman and her father, she would be thankful to have his input and guidance in her choices.
In the nikah (marriage ceremony), the woman chooses the man. She’s the one “proposing” to him. Not the other way around. (It may be useful to realize that so much of what we think is right, especially in the west, is the direct opposite to what Islam says.) She’s the one taking him. He’s the one giving himself to her. The man doesn’t say anything in the ceremony. He agrees by signing the marriage contract (which she also signs). The woman doesn’t have to say anything either because her very presence means she wants and selects him.
The marriage contract includes the dowry and the conditions (stipulations). The dowry is a gift that the husband gives his wife in fulfillment of Allah’s commandment to offer her his sincerity and gratitude for marrying him. The dowry can be looked at as a way to show that she is valuable and, while her worth can never be computated by him or anyone, it is his commitment of giving her his promise to live with her in an honourable Islamic way. The dowry is not a bride price nor is it given to the bride’s family nor is it a certain amount of money, materials, services, resources, etc. The dowry is decided upon by the woman and the man. It is private and not announced because it’s no one’s business but theirs. The dowry can be used however the wife wants and it also can be utilized in the case where the wife does not want to be married to her husband any longer. The wife can also defer the dowry or part of it to be paid whenever she so desires.
In the conditions, the woman can stipulate whatever she wants that doesn’t contradict Islam and her rights and her husband’s rights. Many women still don’t know about this part of getting married. The wife and husband both agree to the conditions and they both sign the contract with the conditions written in it. (They even sign next to or beneath each condition.) The conditions are there so that the wife can act in her own right as a wakil (agent, power of attorney) for her talaq (divorce) in case she wants to break the marriage and get out of it. Essentially, she divorces herself from him, taking control of their divorce. (Carroll, L.and Kapoor, H., 1996, p. 128) A few common conditions include: the right to choose the place of residence; the right to work if she wants to; and the right to divorce her husband if he takes another wife without her permission. Plus women can be the wakil “in talaq in an absolute way, that is to say they [she] obtain[s] a talaq whenever they [she] desire[s]…” As well, women can be the wakil “dar tawkil (i.e. has the power to appoint another person) to divorce herself in an irrevocable (ba’in) way…” (p. 128)
There are so many conditions that can be stipulated. For example:
a.If the husband divorces his wife for no fault of hers, she can “claim half the wealth acquired by the husband during the marriage”;
b. If the husband fails “to support her or to fulfil other compulsory duties for at least six months,” she can divorce him;
c. If the husband maltreats “the wife to the extent that the continuation of the marriage has been rendered untenable for her,” she can divorce him;
d. If the husband has an “affliction with any incurable disease that may endanger her health,” she can divorce him;
e. If the husband is or becomes insane, she can divorce him. (Carroll and Kapoor, p. 129)
More conditions can be found in Carroll and Kapoor on p. 130, including, for example: the husband being sentenced to prison for five or more years; the husband’s addiction that is detrimental to family life; and the husband’s failure to father a child after five years of marriage. It is important to note, that all the conditions possible are printed in the standard marriage contact, along with ample space for specific conditions to the couple to be written in (some common examples are on p. 147), in the Islamic Republic of Iran. (p. 132) A copy of the standard marriage contract with conditions can be found in Farsi and translated into English on pp.134-149.
The rights of the wife far outweigh the rights of the husband. She is not obligated to cook and do housework; work in or out of the home; use her own money to support her husband; use her own money to support her children; breastfeed her babies; take care of her children; educate her children… She is obligated to be available for sexual intercourse when her husband desires and to let him know the reason and when she’s leaving the house and returning. As a Muslim, she’s obligated to fulfill all the other characteristics that we all should have, such as being polite, kind, compassionate, loving, just, generous, etc. to and with her husband and children. The husband also has this obligation as a Muslim to and with his wife and children.
The husband is also obligated to be available for sexual intercourse when his wife desires and if he’s away from home for work or other obligations he cannot abandon her for more than a specified time without that (the latter is often stipulated in the conditions). The husband is obligated to provide for and maintain his wife and children in every way, including – in no particular order – security, shelter, food, clothing, health, education, etc. This means he must work, be able to take care of the finances in a smart way, not utilize the funds to jeopardize his, his wife’s and the children’s welfare... The husband is obligated to educate the children. He should also help educate his wife and she him. If his wife desires to breastfeed their children and wants to be paid by her husband to do that, he is obligated to pay her. If his wife does not want to cook or do housework, he is obligated to either do it himself, ask if she’d work for pay and pay her, or hire someone to do that work for the family. As well, the husband should let his wife know the reason and when he’s leaving the house and returning as a courtesy. Right? Just walking out the door with salaams doesn’t cut it. Or also just saying, “I’m reaching out to come back.”, doesn’t either. It’s better to give a head’s up about one’s comings and goings beforehand to each other anyway. Isn’t it?
Remember we are talking about obligations (wajib). Most women do what they can to make their, their husband’s and their children’s lives religious, safe, knowledgeable, happy and loving. By their very nature, women take care of their husband and their children in ways that no one can count or pay back and Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala knows best what women do and how He created them. He knows why He made women and men the way they are. And He knows which obligations are for whom and why.
2. Education
It is well-known that women receive less education than men. That is not to say that women do not obtain higher education, such as PhDs, or become doctors and lawyers and scholars, etc. Generally, women do not stay in school as long as men and do not receive as much training for jobs as men do. Historically, women were often unable to complete basic education and were often illiterate. My maternal great-grandmother in Alamance County, North Carolina, for example, was illiterate and she didn’t live that long ago. A well-respected scholar’s Pakistani mother, who recently passed away in Ontario, Canada, was also illiterate and she was a hafiz of the Holy Qur'an, Al-Hamdulillah
3. Motherhood
It is not obligatory for a woman to have a child. That is a decision the wife and husband make together. It’s no one else’s business. If it was obligatory, then women who were unable to have a child, due to their own or their husband’s inability, would be considered an exception to the obligation. As well, the number of children a woman has is a decision for the wife and husband to make together. This can be stated in the conditions. Of course, it is Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala who creates children and that is in His control. As mentioned before, it is not obligatory for a mother to take care of her children. However, most mothers do that naturally. If it was obligatory, then why would Prophet Muhammad’s (s.a.w.) mother Lady Amina not take care of him when he was a young child? Did anyone think badly of his mother because of that? However, all over the world, it is considered almost criminal if a mother doesn’t take care of her children. And due to that “obligation,” men and women follow that status quo and demean, guilt-trip and abuse mothers who do not have the desire or the ability to take care of their children. Of course, if you are not able to take care of your children, whether you are a man or a woman, then you’ll have to find someone to do that. Since it is the man’s responsibility to take care of his children, how is it possible that a man can walk off and leave their children in the care of the mother when he wants to separate from her and divorce her? This is the state of affairs nowadays. Fathers rarely take care of the children in these cases and in fact many do not want to and probably weren’t doing that when they lived with their wife and children. If a man and woman divorce and the children stay with the mother, the father is obligated to support his children as if they lived with him. In many cases, it is more feasible for the mother to take care of the children after divorce if she chooses, but it is not obligatory on her. Dumping the children on divorced mothers is the norm and the number of single mothers burdened with their children with little to no support from the father is an abysmal state of affairs.
4. Work and Material Subsistence
It is well-known that women work for no wages. less wages and even minimal wages. The work women perform at home is generally unpaid. Women do not earn as much for their work as men do and when they perform the same work they are usually paid less. Women are not under an obligation to work, but they often need to work because there is no man (again, in no particular order - husband, father, son, grandfather, uncle, brother, etc.) who is available to support them. This may be due to death or desertion, incarceration or disability/injury… There are some jobs women do not normally do and there are some jobs that women often do. There are also some jobs in which women are needed because it is better to have a woman to administer to women than to have men do that, such as a midwife, obstetrician, family doctor, beautician, masseuse, etc. Women can work if they chose to. Oftentimes, women work, either at home or outside the home, to help their husband provide for the family. This is due to their generosity and compassion to take some of their husband’s burden off of him. People say that in today’s world, it is not possible for men to take care of their family on only their own salary. If that’s the case, which it is in many parts of the world, it’s most likely that women are helping out by earning money, skimping and saving, cutting corners, making do and sacrificing their own needs and desires for the family. It is important to also remember that whatever money the woman has, earns and receives, such as an inheritance and gifts, is hers. She can do what she wants with it. No one has the right to take it or use it.
5. Physical and Emotional Security
The emotional and physical abuse and crimes against women are well-known. Unfortunately, men, and even some women, claim that women rape men. Men have throughout human history emotionally abused women and have enacted the worst forms of physical abuse and crimes against them. Women are taken prisoner in wars and assaulted, raped, tortured and murdered. They are prostituted by men, stolen, stalked, trafficked, murdered, brutalized and imprisoned. That is not to say that these things don’t happen to men and boys, but it is men who do that to men and boys as well. Until men understand that women are more vulnerable and require the protection of men, nothing will change. Men are under the impression that women can take care of themselves the same way they do and it is not men’s jobs to take care of women! Men who think and act like that are misogynists. If men want women to protect them from harm, then what does being a man mean!? To a woman, a man is someone who protects women and children from harm. Did you see in the movie that the women and children were the first to get on the lifeboats when the Titanic was sinking? Still, men tried to force their way onto them. Isn’t a rule of warfare to not kill women and children? Is this because men feel/know women need protection? Is this because men feel/think women and children are equal? Is this because women aren’t holding the reins of power with a gun in their hand? Why save the women and children and not the men? I’ve even heard a Muslim woman lamenting that no one’s talking about all the young men and middle-aged men who are being killed in Gaza, for example; that all the talk is about the women and children dying! Think about it.
Emotional security in a marriage relationship revolves around positive and effective communication and trust. Husbands and wives should feel safe with each other. They should feel comfortable and confident and view their relationship as a spiritual, loving, long-lasting bond. They should: forgive mistakes; be vulnerable; be one’s self; be available to each other; ensure each other feels seen, heard and understood; work as a team to solve problems and conflicts; assume the best of each other; foster a strong bond of faith, love and respect... The couple should not emotionally abuse each other. Examples of behaviours include: being defensive; judging; deflecting blame; being highly critical; finding fault with everything; displaying contempt (sarcasm, hostility, mocking, name-calling...); stonewalling (ignoring, silent treatment)... (Dibdin, E., 2022) Essentially, be an Islamic couple, displaying faith, niceness, love, care, respect... Inshallah.
6. More on Emotional and Physical Security and Material Subsistence
Some Muslims get hung up on the inheritance thing and the maintainers of women thing and the beat your wife thing. This is all due to patriarchy and ignorance and ego.
Women receive less inheritance at times. It all depends on the circumstances. If there is only a daughter or daughters, then they get the inheritance, for example. The main reason for the difference is that men are obligated to take care of women. The ayat about being the maintainers of women is about obligations, not privilege. It is in fact a mercy from Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala that women are not obligated to work and support themselves and their children. Anyone with an ounce of intellect can see that for what it is. So since men are the maintainers of women, it also includes supporting women, protecting women, helping women, being a source of advice for women, and comforting women. Being there for them in all their ups and downs. Just as women are there for their men. It is not a hierarchal system in which men are better than, more qualified than, more smarter than, more “human” than (as in having more of a soul or some such nonsense). It is a responsibility and an obligation system in which men have to understand, accept and work with. If you really think that a woman can get pregnant and dig ditches for the nine months and give birth and take care of and nurse the baby while working digging ditches, so be it. She probably can. But it’s not an obligation. If your wife gets pregnant, most men will be happy to take care of her and their child and go out digging ditches and come home and take care of them. Afterall, the baby is still a baby before he/she is born. Right? And after witnessing/hearing/being near his wife when his baby is born, what man would not cherish the mother of his child for all the bodily and emotional pains she endured which he does not experience even once in order to have children? What man thinks that because women have babies, it’s just a thing that any woman can do and it’s no big deal? What man thinks that it’s not a jihad for women even though Allah talks about the situation in the Holy Qur’an? What man would treat his wife, the mother of his child, in any manner except Islamically, which is correctly and lovingly?
Which leads us to the beating thing. Islam does not allow abuse/beating/hitting/slapping/cutting/ stabbing/shooting/burning/etc. of anyone unless it’s in a state of self-defence or in a war or in the act of administering court-ordered justice (and even in those cases there’s lots of rules and many of those things cannot be done). So the ayat means if a man’s wife is behaving contrary to Islam, like not sleeping with him (you know what we mean) or staying out all hours of the night on the town or treating their child unjustly, etc., then the husband should follow these steps, giving ample support and time for change: advise with kind words; get help from family and counselling; admonish with words; sleep in a separate location in the home (you know what we mean); separate from her; divorce. No beating. Didn’t Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) say he’s shocked that a man can beat his wife whom he makes love to? Like these two actions don’t fit. Do they? Once the husband sleeps separately from his wife and she does not come to him with regret and love and promises to stay together in peace and harmony, he will definitely know that they can no longer stay married because who wants to be married with a spouse who does not love them. It is most likely an injustice to both spouses to stay together in such a marriage. Allah doesn't like injustice and thus we are cautioned to always be just to each other.
Throughout the millenniums, human beings have grappled with the difference between men and women in all their aspects. We’ve touched on some – marriage, education, motherhood, work and material subsistence, emotional and physical security. These are Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala’s commands to us. There’s no need to grapple or quibble any longer. There are others we could talk about (and they’re also extremely important so maybe we will in a future blog post, inshallah), such as: “personal freedom; elemental equality; and social recognition as a person and rightsholder,” as Brian Orend (2006, p. 33) points out in his discussion on the core entitlements we all vitally need and “can reasonably demand from other people and social institutions.” (He also points out physical security and material subsistence, which we’ve looked at.) These are our basic human rights.
So coming back to the original idea that it takes the whole family to bring up a child as a pious, devout, loving, positive, just, caring, generous, compassionate and upright Muslim individual who believes in Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala and His Prophet (s.a.w.) and if the whole family is not believing and behaving right, then the child will not grow up to be that individual. So then what is the solution? We must know that patriarchy and misogyny are denied by Islam. Give up those ideas, those excuses, those ingrained beliefs. Ask Allah for help. And then realize that the answer is naturally that each one of us knows what’s right and what’s wrong and no matter how old you are it is time to do the right thing, believe the right thing and stop behaving like it’s too hard to be nice to each other, to support each other, to cooperate with each other, to talk nicely and lovingly, to be affectionate to each other, to stop arguing and demanding your own way, to stop trying to brutalize and disempower each other, to give in, to be just, to do what’s best not just what’s good or better, to be an upright human being, a human being that Allah Subhanahu wa ta’la will be pleased with. Inshallah. A submitting, believing, obedient, truthful, patient, humble, charitable, fasting, guarding one’s private parts, remembering Allah often human being. (The Holy Qur’an: 33:35) Inshallah. A human being who will end up in Paradise. Inshallah. A human being you are grateful to be. Inshallah. A human being you are proud to call your husband, your wife, your child. Inshallah. A human being you are proud to be called my husband, my wife, my child. Inshallah.
Notes
*Of course, when I say men, I don’t mean all men. Same with women.
**Patriarchy is defined in different ways by different people. Here are two: by Catherine J. Nash, “Patriarchy is a system of relationships, beliefs, and values embedded in political, social, and economic systems that structure gender inequality between men and women.” and by Sylvia Walby, “I shall define patriarchy as a system of social structures, and practices in which men dominate, oppress and exploit women.”
***Misogyny is simply defined as “hatred of women.” It comes from the Greek roots – misein (to hate) and gyne (woman). Another fuller definition from Dictionary.com is: “hatred, dislike, or mistrust of women, manifested in various forms such as physical intimidation and abuse, sexual harassment and rape, social shunning and ostracism, etc.” For some examples of misogynistic behaviours, see “What is misogyny?”
Disclaimer: The author of this blogpost does not claim to be an expert on Islamic law. If you find anything in the blogpost that is un-Islamic, please let us know, inshallah.
References
Carroll, Lucy and Kapoor, Harsh. (Eds.) (1996). Talaq-i-Tafwid: The Muslim Woman’s Contractual Access to Divorce: An Information Kit. pp. 128-149. Women Living Under Muslim Laws (WLUML). Accessed from https://www.wluml.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/talaq-i-tawfid-eng.pdf
Dibdin, Emma. (Feb. 28, 2022). “Emotional Security in Relationships: How to Overcome Common Challenges.” Psych Central. Accessed from https://psychcentral.com/blog/emotional-security-in-relationships
Misogyny. Dictionary.com. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/misogyny
Misogyny. Merriam-Webster. Accessed from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/misogyny
Nash, Catherine J. (2020). International Encyclopedia of Human Geography (2nd Ed.). Accessed from https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/social-sciences/patriarchy#:~:text=Patriarchy% 20is%20a%20system%20of,pertaining%20to%20men%20are%20privileged
Orend, Brian. (2006). The Morality of War. p.33. Peterborough, Ontario: Broadview Press.
Walby, Sylvia. (1989). “Theorising Patriarchy". Sociology. 23 (2): 213–234. doi:10.1177/0038038589023002004. JSTOR 42853921. S2CID 220676988. Accessed from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patriarchy
“What is misogyny? London,gov.uk. Accessed from https://www.london.gov.uk/what-misogyny